Then there are other times, times when I am around people that have known me practically my whole life, those are the times that I realize that the person that I am working on becoming isn't shining out of me the way that I want. I am working hard to become the person I know that God has called me to be, but those who have known me for years often just don't see it.
I see the growth in myself, I also see the work I put into myself growing and changing. Often it seems like others only see the person I was 5, 10, and even 15 years ago. I am not the same person I was then. I am not the person I was before accepting Christ as my Savior. However, no matter what I say there are no words that will make them know this. That is a hard idea to swallow. I can see the change in me, but I also constantly experience the difference in my own thinking, something that they will never be able to see.
I have come to realize that at some point I have to choose to redefine my relationship with certain people in my life.
There are family members that I will always long to have a closer relationship with, but that is not a mutual desire. Trying to force or encourage a relationship with them will not alter the fact that they have chosen to shut me out. I'm sure they have their own reasons for their choice, but it's on me to respect them and not try to force them to talk to me. I can still love them, but at their choosing that means loving them from a distance and watching their lives much like a distant acquaintance.
There are other family members that I love dearly but I have to accept that, at this time, they will only see me as I was some many years ago and not as the person I am trying to be today. The toughest part of this acceptance is the constant judgement and condemnation they pass on me, and bitter treatment of me when I attempt to spend time with them. I recognize that part of this bitterness is the result of my own past choices and mistreatment of them, something I deeply regret. While, I do not believe God so vindictive as to use their hurt and mistreatment of me as punishment for my past poor choices and sin, I do recognize that they still bear the hurt of it. There is nothing that I can do at this point to help them heal other than giving them grace, love, and time.
Now it is up to me to define what relationships I allow in my life and the lives of my children and how they are to look. As a mother it is my responsibility to ensure that my children are sheltered from the bitterness of my relationships with others. This is a tricky road to walk, one in which there are no books, manuals, or explicit instructions. Luckily, I do not walk this road alone, the Holy Spirit is my constant guide and companion. I am learning to navigate this rocky path by listening to the promptings and directions of the Holy Spirit moment by moment, direction by direction.
This may mean keeping my mouth shut when everything rises up in me to speak against what is being said. It may also mean saying what needs to be said to get to the heart of an issue. I never know. That's okay. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Thanks be to God that He is forever consistent, unchanging, unwavering, steady, stable, and always loving. Despite the rocks in my relationships with those around me, and despite their inability to see the person I am today, I know that God sees me and that is ALL that matters.
No comments:
Post a Comment