The other night we were at our small group at church and our friend JoAnna shared insight from the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Discussing this story got me to thinking, and being me my brain went in another direction. Haha.
As I was contemplating what it means at times to go through a fire I had a scene from the movie Pure Country pop into my head. Random right? Not really. In the scene the characters are discussing a dancing chicken that was at a carnival when they were kids. They had snuck back stage to find that as the ring master was putting the music on he was also turning up the heat on a stove beneath the stage. The heat of the stove made the chicken on the stage hop around as if it were dancing. Odd comparison I know.
This got me to thinking that sometime we go through fires in life so that we can be purified by the flames. These fires are allowed in our lives by God to grow us and to transform us. Other times we go through fires because we make bad choices. Yet other times we go through fires because we are pushed into it or refused to eliminate things (habits, thoughts, addictions, and even relationships) from our lives that God has told us to eliminate.
I think that far to often when us Christians read the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we assume that every fire is from God, and every fire is one that we are supposed to go through. We must learn to recognize the source of the fire, not just assume and jump in, or allow ourselves to be pushed or dragged in.
In discerning the source of the fire, and striving to understand it's purpose in our lives, we must process through 2 things: 1) sometimes we are supposed to get out of the fire, and 2) sometimes we are supposed to go through the fire. The most important lesson is learning to know the difference, because not every fire is something God intends for us to go through. Sometimes, like that dancing chicken, we are just supposed to jump off that stage and out of the fire.
Without knowing the difference we will go through fires that we were never meant to go through. When that happens we end up getting ourselves stuck in a loop, repeating patterns and lessons, until we grow and change the cycle.
Another important lesson that I took from this was that we aren't supposed to camp out in the fire. We are to go THROUGH the fire, not stay in it. Even as unstable, disobedient, and un-persevering as Israel was in the books of the Old Testament they never set up camp and stayed in the desert. They continued to push forward and out of the fire, even if they did grumble and complain the whole way. We may not like the fire, we aren't really supposed to, but we go THROUGH it, not stay in it.
Friday, October 19, 2018
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Truth and Wonder Woman
I came across this post (picture? meme? I don't know what you call it) on Pinterest a while back. It was promptly followed by another picture, which of course now I can't find.
It wasn't the picture itself that caught my attention, but what someone had written below it. Truth changes people. Truth reshapes how we see the world around us, and how we react to that world.
The picture I saw following this said something about those who survive abuse, manipulation, and toxic relationships. Which at first might not seem similar. It proposed the idea that those who survive and heal from such situations actually become acutely aware of manipulation. It suggested that they are able to detect being manipulated faster than the normal person, and avoid it. It offered the thought and perspective that in the healing from such abuses there was a strength at the end, a trait that made such people stronger, more aware, and less susceptible to being manipulated.
Perhaps such a comment following the Wonder Woman post is odd, but not when we consider that the very thing that the very thing that kept Diana on that island was a manipulation. A lie, about her identity. Once truth entered in, her identity was her's to live, and her life changed forever.
Truth shapes our identity. Each Truth we encounter has the ability to change us, but the catch is that we must allow it. We can encounter Truth and reject it or we can encounter Truth and be transformed by it.
This difference is played out in the Bible in both the stories of Saul and David. Each one was faced with conviction from God for their sin, but they had very different reactions to that conviction.
Saul shaped his identity upon his actions, upon works. When he was faced with conviction for his sin he refused to face this truth because it would have caused him to reshape his identity. Since his identity was based upon his actions, he refused. To accept conviction for him, and the truth of his sin, would have meant: accepting an identity of a sinner, or accepting the identity of a flawed person, or changing that which his identity was based upon. Saul was incapable of doing any of this, so he rejected Truth instead. He ran from conviction, ran from Truth, and in the end made an even bigger mess of himself and his life.
David shaped his identity upon the truth of who God said he was. When he was faced with conviction for his sin he immediately repented. He was overwhelmed with grief because of his sin, but he wasn't crushed by it. His identity wasn't in what he did, but in Whose he was, he allowed truth to shape his identity. When faced with sin and repentance David was able to meet it head on and be transformed. David may not have been perfect but he knew the Truth of his identity, and that was who God said he was and nothing else. David's life may have been a mess of humanness, but his identity wasn't.
We also are to be like David. We are to be people shaped by Truth, shaped by God's Truth. God's Truth is unchanging, unwavering, solid, and eternal. It's not swayed, or manipulated by anyone or anything.
Ephesians tells us that this Truth is to be wrapped around us, holding us together, and supporting us. It is to be our foundation, and source of uprightness and righteousness.
The enemy's key weapon is lies, Jesus warns us that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Yet, sometimes the death he brings isn't physical death, it's death of identity, calling, and purpose to deception and manipulation.
This is why we are called to be a people of Truth. This is why Truth is so important. Only Truth can fight off lies. Only Truth can be a firm foundation. Manipulations and lies are nothing but shifting sand, and like sand they change when exposed to adversity. When sand is exposed to the adversity of wind or rain, it moves and shifts. The same is true of lies and manipulation, when exposed to Truth, they must move.
Jesus promises true freedom in the Truth of God. His freedom can change and shape us if we allow it. It can also free us from lies, deception, and manipulation. Just like the post I mentioned above, when we escape from lies, deception, and manipulation we become better at detecting it. Better at avoiding it. Like a barometer predicting the weather, we become able to gauge manipulation and lies when we are around them.
The more we mature in Christ, the greater barometers we become. The more we walk in freedom, the better we become at detecting those things that would attempt to lead us into captivity. This is perhaps a great reason to saturate ourselves in Truth.
We are not only to saturate ourselves in Truth, but we are also to be shaped and transformed by Truth. Like Wonder Woman, we are to carry it every where with us, view our lives and the world around us through it's lens. While this can make us more unpalatable to some, it stabilizes us in a way that nothing in this world can. With that stability comes peace that isn't worth trading for anything.
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The picture I saw following this said something about those who survive abuse, manipulation, and toxic relationships. Which at first might not seem similar. It proposed the idea that those who survive and heal from such situations actually become acutely aware of manipulation. It suggested that they are able to detect being manipulated faster than the normal person, and avoid it. It offered the thought and perspective that in the healing from such abuses there was a strength at the end, a trait that made such people stronger, more aware, and less susceptible to being manipulated.
Perhaps such a comment following the Wonder Woman post is odd, but not when we consider that the very thing that the very thing that kept Diana on that island was a manipulation. A lie, about her identity. Once truth entered in, her identity was her's to live, and her life changed forever.
Truth shapes our identity. Each Truth we encounter has the ability to change us, but the catch is that we must allow it. We can encounter Truth and reject it or we can encounter Truth and be transformed by it.
This difference is played out in the Bible in both the stories of Saul and David. Each one was faced with conviction from God for their sin, but they had very different reactions to that conviction.
Saul shaped his identity upon his actions, upon works. When he was faced with conviction for his sin he refused to face this truth because it would have caused him to reshape his identity. Since his identity was based upon his actions, he refused. To accept conviction for him, and the truth of his sin, would have meant: accepting an identity of a sinner, or accepting the identity of a flawed person, or changing that which his identity was based upon. Saul was incapable of doing any of this, so he rejected Truth instead. He ran from conviction, ran from Truth, and in the end made an even bigger mess of himself and his life.
David shaped his identity upon the truth of who God said he was. When he was faced with conviction for his sin he immediately repented. He was overwhelmed with grief because of his sin, but he wasn't crushed by it. His identity wasn't in what he did, but in Whose he was, he allowed truth to shape his identity. When faced with sin and repentance David was able to meet it head on and be transformed. David may not have been perfect but he knew the Truth of his identity, and that was who God said he was and nothing else. David's life may have been a mess of humanness, but his identity wasn't.
We also are to be like David. We are to be people shaped by Truth, shaped by God's Truth. God's Truth is unchanging, unwavering, solid, and eternal. It's not swayed, or manipulated by anyone or anything.
Ephesians tells us that this Truth is to be wrapped around us, holding us together, and supporting us. It is to be our foundation, and source of uprightness and righteousness.
The enemy's key weapon is lies, Jesus warns us that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Yet, sometimes the death he brings isn't physical death, it's death of identity, calling, and purpose to deception and manipulation.
This is why we are called to be a people of Truth. This is why Truth is so important. Only Truth can fight off lies. Only Truth can be a firm foundation. Manipulations and lies are nothing but shifting sand, and like sand they change when exposed to adversity. When sand is exposed to the adversity of wind or rain, it moves and shifts. The same is true of lies and manipulation, when exposed to Truth, they must move.
Jesus promises true freedom in the Truth of God. His freedom can change and shape us if we allow it. It can also free us from lies, deception, and manipulation. Just like the post I mentioned above, when we escape from lies, deception, and manipulation we become better at detecting it. Better at avoiding it. Like a barometer predicting the weather, we become able to gauge manipulation and lies when we are around them.
The more we mature in Christ, the greater barometers we become. The more we walk in freedom, the better we become at detecting those things that would attempt to lead us into captivity. This is perhaps a great reason to saturate ourselves in Truth.
We are not only to saturate ourselves in Truth, but we are also to be shaped and transformed by Truth. Like Wonder Woman, we are to carry it every where with us, view our lives and the world around us through it's lens. While this can make us more unpalatable to some, it stabilizes us in a way that nothing in this world can. With that stability comes peace that isn't worth trading for anything.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Who Are You Surrounding Yourself With
Far too often in our modern society we look upon sections of the Bible, like Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers as sections with little or no insight or teaching to offer us. We snub our noises at them calling them outdated and unnecessary. We pass over them, skimming them if we must, but mostly just ignoring them with the assumption that they are unable to teach us anything.
Far too often in that snubbing is the idea that the Israelites of Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers we so unlike us AND completely lacking in understanding of who God is. We assume because of their mistakes that they are totally unable to teach us anything worth while.
I'd like to take a minute and hopefully change that, and maybe (hopefully) open at least one persons eyes to some worth while lessons.
When reading about all of the Israelites mistakes and short comings in these 3 books it's very easy to say "How could they do that? They had the visible miracles of God right there!" We quickly judge them as lacking in faith or for doubting God. We easily state that WE would NEVER do that, and we longingly wish that we could see God in the very real way that they did.
What if I told you that I could share 2 things that would make you change your perspective of the Israelites?
Many of us know the story of how Israel was brought out of Egypt by God, how God parted the sea, and lead His people to freedom. Yet I found 1 verse in the story that opened my eyes to more that was going on.
In Exodus 12:38 (NASB) it tells us that: "A mixed multitude also went up with them, along with flocks and herds, a very large number of livestock."
Did you catch that? When Israel left Egypt they weren't alone. They had others following them. Others that were not Israelites.
When they left Egypt there were people that saw the miracles that God had performed and who chased after those miracles, leaving Egypt with the Israelites. I might have passed this over many times without it actually sinking in. The Israelites left Egypt followed by miracle chasers. Followed by people who didn't believe in God or know God but wanted to cash in on what God was doing. They wanted the blessing without the relationship.
This mixed multitude didn't believe in God but they sure wanted a part of what was happening. They wanted all the benefits that God was giving His people without any investment on their part. They tagged along for the blessing but they weren't about to change who they were in the process.
They travelled with Israel out of Egypt but I'd be willing to be that wasn't all that they did.
Numbers 11:4 (NASB) tells us that "The rabble who were among them had greedy desires; and also the sons of Israel wept again and said, 'Who will give us meat to eat?'"
Those miracle chasers had greedy desires. They were selfish, greedy, insatiable in their desire of miracles, and they were in this journey for what they could get out of it. They weren't there to get to know God. They were there to see what they could gain by tagging along. In their greed they incited the Israelites against God. They were among the Israelites whispering and egging on trouble, because the journey was all about what they could gain, not how they could grow or change, or even about getting to know God.
That leads me to the second lesson that I wanted to share in this story.
Time and again we see the Israelites questioning if God was able, and we look down on them saying that they were lacking in faith after all they had seen God do. Yet we overlook the fact that they had just come out of Egypt, followed by this mixed multitude, both of which can be assumed (based on historical facts) to have a polytheistic (many gods based) society and religion. What does this have to do with the story, right?
In these polytheistic, many gods, religions; their gods were one trick ponies. Each god was limited to 1 or maybe 2 areas that they had influence in, and power or control over. Sure, one could control water, and another could control crops, but none could do everything.
Take that culture and introduce into it our God, Who can do anything, and has everything within His hands. Our God would boggle the minds of that mixed multitude as well as the Israelites who had been influenced by the culture they had been surrounded with for the last 400 years+.
Combine this mind boggling revelation that God is able to do anything, with a greedy mixed multitude that only wants to take, take, take, and benefit by proximity to God, and you have a recipe for the problems that we see along this journey.
The Israelites weren't immune to the influence of those that they surrounded themselves with. Like us they were able to be swayed by those around them and were influenced by the culture and society that they were striving to leave behind. They were very human, and also had been indoctrinated by the propaganda of Egypt.
The biggest step for Israel in the desert wouldn't have been trusting God, but questioning everything that they thought they knew. They needed to learn that what they thought they knew, didn't agree with God and Truth. To get to that point they had to be willing to disagree with those around them, and even loose a friend (or more) in the process. They had to become above the influence of people. They had to be influenced by God alone.
In that the Israelites weren't so unlike us after all.
Far too often in that snubbing is the idea that the Israelites of Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers we so unlike us AND completely lacking in understanding of who God is. We assume because of their mistakes that they are totally unable to teach us anything worth while.
I'd like to take a minute and hopefully change that, and maybe (hopefully) open at least one persons eyes to some worth while lessons.
When reading about all of the Israelites mistakes and short comings in these 3 books it's very easy to say "How could they do that? They had the visible miracles of God right there!" We quickly judge them as lacking in faith or for doubting God. We easily state that WE would NEVER do that, and we longingly wish that we could see God in the very real way that they did.
What if I told you that I could share 2 things that would make you change your perspective of the Israelites?
Many of us know the story of how Israel was brought out of Egypt by God, how God parted the sea, and lead His people to freedom. Yet I found 1 verse in the story that opened my eyes to more that was going on.
In Exodus 12:38 (NASB) it tells us that: "A mixed multitude also went up with them, along with flocks and herds, a very large number of livestock."
Did you catch that? When Israel left Egypt they weren't alone. They had others following them. Others that were not Israelites.
When they left Egypt there were people that saw the miracles that God had performed and who chased after those miracles, leaving Egypt with the Israelites. I might have passed this over many times without it actually sinking in. The Israelites left Egypt followed by miracle chasers. Followed by people who didn't believe in God or know God but wanted to cash in on what God was doing. They wanted the blessing without the relationship.
This mixed multitude didn't believe in God but they sure wanted a part of what was happening. They wanted all the benefits that God was giving His people without any investment on their part. They tagged along for the blessing but they weren't about to change who they were in the process.
They travelled with Israel out of Egypt but I'd be willing to be that wasn't all that they did.
Numbers 11:4 (NASB) tells us that "The rabble who were among them had greedy desires; and also the sons of Israel wept again and said, 'Who will give us meat to eat?'"
Those miracle chasers had greedy desires. They were selfish, greedy, insatiable in their desire of miracles, and they were in this journey for what they could get out of it. They weren't there to get to know God. They were there to see what they could gain by tagging along. In their greed they incited the Israelites against God. They were among the Israelites whispering and egging on trouble, because the journey was all about what they could gain, not how they could grow or change, or even about getting to know God.
That leads me to the second lesson that I wanted to share in this story.
Time and again we see the Israelites questioning if God was able, and we look down on them saying that they were lacking in faith after all they had seen God do. Yet we overlook the fact that they had just come out of Egypt, followed by this mixed multitude, both of which can be assumed (based on historical facts) to have a polytheistic (many gods based) society and religion. What does this have to do with the story, right?
In these polytheistic, many gods, religions; their gods were one trick ponies. Each god was limited to 1 or maybe 2 areas that they had influence in, and power or control over. Sure, one could control water, and another could control crops, but none could do everything.
Take that culture and introduce into it our God, Who can do anything, and has everything within His hands. Our God would boggle the minds of that mixed multitude as well as the Israelites who had been influenced by the culture they had been surrounded with for the last 400 years+.
Combine this mind boggling revelation that God is able to do anything, with a greedy mixed multitude that only wants to take, take, take, and benefit by proximity to God, and you have a recipe for the problems that we see along this journey.
The Israelites weren't immune to the influence of those that they surrounded themselves with. Like us they were able to be swayed by those around them and were influenced by the culture and society that they were striving to leave behind. They were very human, and also had been indoctrinated by the propaganda of Egypt.
The biggest step for Israel in the desert wouldn't have been trusting God, but questioning everything that they thought they knew. They needed to learn that what they thought they knew, didn't agree with God and Truth. To get to that point they had to be willing to disagree with those around them, and even loose a friend (or more) in the process. They had to become above the influence of people. They had to be influenced by God alone.
In that the Israelites weren't so unlike us after all.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Writing, Friendship, and Anxiety
Most of the time writing for me is a form of processing what is on my mind and my heart. It's a way of pouring out ideas and thoughts, then trying to make sense of them. Lately, I have been finding it difficult to write. Self doubt seems to creep in causing me to wonder if I have anything worth saying, if my voice or thoughts matter; or if anyone even cares what I have to say. As I was processing through these self doubts I came to the realization that some of them, well, most of them actually, come from really bad friendships and really bad relationships with people.
Sadly, most of my experience with friendships has not been the best. I have had far more bad friends than good friends. These bad friendships not only outweigh the good ones in number but they have served to create in me anxiety about friendships as a whole. I have had far too many people call themselves my friend only to insult, attack, put down, and tear down, both my self image, and self worth. In the process of trying to understand why I question my own voice I have come to the realization that these bad friends have caused me to have a great deal of anxiety about friendships as a whole. Even with good friends I find myself wondering when or if they are going to attack me and tear me down. This makes it extremely difficult to have, create, or maintain any form of friendship at all.
While I thought that the anxiety was isolated to just areas of friend relationships I can no longer ignore it seeping over into the rest of my life and self identity. I'm still processing through this all, but given the high number of bad friendships that I have had I very much doubt that I am the only one that has experienced this. Ecclesiastes 1:9 tells us that there is nothing new under the sun, I think that that includes bad friendships, as well as cruel and mean people.
It has been said that hurt people hurt people. All it takes is one hurt person to start a chain reaction of hurt, rippling out, and damaging many in its wake. I find the concept of this easy to see; however, the hurt of this is difficult to live in. I'm sad for those who hurt me, knowing that they will never know true friendship. Mostly, I hurt with those that they hurt, knowing that I am not the only one that they have tried to tear apart.
Life is difficult, but bad friendships make it even more so.
In the processing of all this I am working through letting go of the hurt, and also letting go of the toxic filters that were thrown upon me.
I am more than what they said, deep inside I know that, and I hear the Holy Spirit whispering that. Now begins the process of allowing that whisper to transform me, transform the way I see, think, and feel about myself.
Sadly, most of my experience with friendships has not been the best. I have had far more bad friends than good friends. These bad friendships not only outweigh the good ones in number but they have served to create in me anxiety about friendships as a whole. I have had far too many people call themselves my friend only to insult, attack, put down, and tear down, both my self image, and self worth. In the process of trying to understand why I question my own voice I have come to the realization that these bad friends have caused me to have a great deal of anxiety about friendships as a whole. Even with good friends I find myself wondering when or if they are going to attack me and tear me down. This makes it extremely difficult to have, create, or maintain any form of friendship at all.
While I thought that the anxiety was isolated to just areas of friend relationships I can no longer ignore it seeping over into the rest of my life and self identity. I'm still processing through this all, but given the high number of bad friendships that I have had I very much doubt that I am the only one that has experienced this. Ecclesiastes 1:9 tells us that there is nothing new under the sun, I think that that includes bad friendships, as well as cruel and mean people.
It has been said that hurt people hurt people. All it takes is one hurt person to start a chain reaction of hurt, rippling out, and damaging many in its wake. I find the concept of this easy to see; however, the hurt of this is difficult to live in. I'm sad for those who hurt me, knowing that they will never know true friendship. Mostly, I hurt with those that they hurt, knowing that I am not the only one that they have tried to tear apart.
Life is difficult, but bad friendships make it even more so.
In the processing of all this I am working through letting go of the hurt, and also letting go of the toxic filters that were thrown upon me.
I am more than what they said, deep inside I know that, and I hear the Holy Spirit whispering that. Now begins the process of allowing that whisper to transform me, transform the way I see, think, and feel about myself.
Friday, March 9, 2018
Raising Warriors
In (belated) honor of National Womens Day I wanted to share a little bit about my parenting thoughts with my daughters, not because I'm perfect but because I am passionate about how I am raising them.
I have some foundational ideas and things that I am teaching my daughters that I feel very strongly about, whether I am right or wrong remains to be seen. Either way I am adamant to raise my daughters to be determined, strong, and brave women.
It is said that our glass ceilings become our children's' foundation, with that in mind I have made it my goal to not only set my glass ceiling as high as humanly possible but also to make this foundation a spring board propelling them higher, further, and greater than I can even dream possible. With this as a goal, I find myself pushed out of my comfort zone continually.
I am determined to show my daughters by my example that we can do anything that we set our minds to. This means doing things that make me scared. This means pushing through difficulties when I want to give up. This means living every moment as if they are watching and learning, because they are. Right now, in practicality, this means doing car repairs myself, not because I know 100% what I am doing, or some days even want to do it, but because I want to show my daughters that women CAN do it. I want to teach them not to wait for someone else to rescue you or do it for you. I want them to learn to do the difficult things for themselves, to rescue themselves. That lesson in this season is worth the frustrations, learning curves, and struggles.
I titled this post "Raising Warriors" because that is one of the foundational ideas that I am raising my daughters with. Not that I am teaching them to pick fights or bully others but that I am raising them to stand up for what they passionately believe is right. I strive to teach them that warriors don't fight because they want to, but that warriors stand up for the things worth fighting for and the battles that NEED to be won. I remind them that they are warrior princesses and that they are strong, brilliant, and brave.
I also have a lesson that I teach in our house I call "enforcing your no". I teach them that they have the right to say no to others, and to enforce that no. I have taught my daughters that their bodies belong to them alone and no one has a right to their bodies or to touch them. They are allowed to tell people no when they don't want to be touched, and they are not required to change their mind regardless of how others react. They are not required to show physical affection to ANYONE. This is both because I want them to choose when and how to show affection, and because I know that true affection is given by choice, not forced or manipulated. They are taught that if someone tries to pick them up, hug them, or touch them, they have the right to say no, AND if that person doesn't listen they have the right to enforce that no. In our daily lives this means that if my oldest picks up her sister and little sister says no she can either listen to her little sister saying no or else her little sister is completely within her rights to punch her, and visa-versa.
I've shown them by example how to make choices and stick to them through not giving in to whining or tantrums, but holding your ground and being decisive. This isn't the easiest thing when they are carrying on wanting something but I believe that the consistency instills in them more than just steadiness, security, and boundaries. I want them to learn to be steadfast in the face of adverse reactions, and to hold to what they know is right regardless of those around them. To make right choices and stick to them. I also strive to help them to learn to think about their choices before they make them, to weigh the options, to look at possible consequences, and make the best choices they possibly can.
None of this is perfect. I don't even know if it's correct, but it is a work in progress. Every step forwards is still forward movement. Most of all the biggest lesson I am instilling in my daughters is the ability to learn from our mistakes and our lives. In every situation I strive to be consistently asking them "what can we learn from this?" Instead of looking at their mistakes and yelling at them for being human, I ask them what they learned from it. To me the focus of learning from mistakes and growing is hugely important in helping them to grow into healthy adults. After all they are people in their own right, walking through life themselves, learning and growing everyday, just like the rest of us.
I have some foundational ideas and things that I am teaching my daughters that I feel very strongly about, whether I am right or wrong remains to be seen. Either way I am adamant to raise my daughters to be determined, strong, and brave women.
It is said that our glass ceilings become our children's' foundation, with that in mind I have made it my goal to not only set my glass ceiling as high as humanly possible but also to make this foundation a spring board propelling them higher, further, and greater than I can even dream possible. With this as a goal, I find myself pushed out of my comfort zone continually.
I am determined to show my daughters by my example that we can do anything that we set our minds to. This means doing things that make me scared. This means pushing through difficulties when I want to give up. This means living every moment as if they are watching and learning, because they are. Right now, in practicality, this means doing car repairs myself, not because I know 100% what I am doing, or some days even want to do it, but because I want to show my daughters that women CAN do it. I want to teach them not to wait for someone else to rescue you or do it for you. I want them to learn to do the difficult things for themselves, to rescue themselves. That lesson in this season is worth the frustrations, learning curves, and struggles.
I titled this post "Raising Warriors" because that is one of the foundational ideas that I am raising my daughters with. Not that I am teaching them to pick fights or bully others but that I am raising them to stand up for what they passionately believe is right. I strive to teach them that warriors don't fight because they want to, but that warriors stand up for the things worth fighting for and the battles that NEED to be won. I remind them that they are warrior princesses and that they are strong, brilliant, and brave.
I also have a lesson that I teach in our house I call "enforcing your no". I teach them that they have the right to say no to others, and to enforce that no. I have taught my daughters that their bodies belong to them alone and no one has a right to their bodies or to touch them. They are allowed to tell people no when they don't want to be touched, and they are not required to change their mind regardless of how others react. They are not required to show physical affection to ANYONE. This is both because I want them to choose when and how to show affection, and because I know that true affection is given by choice, not forced or manipulated. They are taught that if someone tries to pick them up, hug them, or touch them, they have the right to say no, AND if that person doesn't listen they have the right to enforce that no. In our daily lives this means that if my oldest picks up her sister and little sister says no she can either listen to her little sister saying no or else her little sister is completely within her rights to punch her, and visa-versa.
I've shown them by example how to make choices and stick to them through not giving in to whining or tantrums, but holding your ground and being decisive. This isn't the easiest thing when they are carrying on wanting something but I believe that the consistency instills in them more than just steadiness, security, and boundaries. I want them to learn to be steadfast in the face of adverse reactions, and to hold to what they know is right regardless of those around them. To make right choices and stick to them. I also strive to help them to learn to think about their choices before they make them, to weigh the options, to look at possible consequences, and make the best choices they possibly can.
None of this is perfect. I don't even know if it's correct, but it is a work in progress. Every step forwards is still forward movement. Most of all the biggest lesson I am instilling in my daughters is the ability to learn from our mistakes and our lives. In every situation I strive to be consistently asking them "what can we learn from this?" Instead of looking at their mistakes and yelling at them for being human, I ask them what they learned from it. To me the focus of learning from mistakes and growing is hugely important in helping them to grow into healthy adults. After all they are people in their own right, walking through life themselves, learning and growing everyday, just like the rest of us.
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Kitchen, Broken Bowls, Love, and Rejection
This is my kitchen. It's not very big, and it's hardly ever perfectly or clean.
This is where meals are made, conversations are had, and little kid ouchies find ice.
This is where the fight between "treat yo'self" and eat healthy battle. This is where I work out at least once a day while waiting on the microwave to ding, the coffee to brew, or food to cook.
This is where toys are piled up waiting on hot glue repairs. This is also where I hide to eat chocolate so that I don't have to share.
It's in the kitchen that families find sustenance and conversation.
My kitchen is also the frequent location of minor accidents for me. Last week it was the scene of me slicing my finger while making dinner, and then sitting in wait for 1 1/2 hours while I hoped that pressure would make the bleeding stop. And last night it was where I, distractedly, pulled a stack of bowls down upon myself, breaking one of my favorite bowls.
Minor occasional accidents truly aren't anything out of the normal. I'm sure that I'm not the only cook experiencing them once and a while. However, it was last night that I realized that every time I have had one of these minor accidents my family comes running to check on me. Sometimes we laugh about what happened. Sometimes they help me to get bandaids and clean up the mess. But every time they are showing me that they love me and care about me.
To some this is probably a minor moment that would be easily passed over but last night that minor moment froze in time for me. Last night, this kitchen was were I came to the realization that it is time to let go of what I don't have, may never have, and embrace with celebration that which I do have.
I have spent my entire life feeling the pain of rejection in many relationships, facets, and forms. I have spent many long sleepless nights wondering why certain people didn't like me. Why particular family members harangue upon their hatred and disdain of me for seemingly no reason. Why friends and classmates refused to be kind towards me, belittle me, insult me, or cut off our friendships with seemingly no reason. Why social awkwardness and obliviousness to social cues is celebrated in TV and movies but not in reality. Why, why, why. All surrounded with the accompaniment of self loathing and hurt.
The truth is I may never know or understanding the why behind the plethora of rejections that I have been hurt from. Maybe I'm better for not knowing or understanding the why behind it. Maybe knowing the why would hurt more than the not knowing. Maybe there is no lesson of self improvement to be learned in these rejections. While it may still hurt, I have a choice now. Now that I know and am aware of more, I have a choice in how I want to move forwards in my life.
I can choose to either focus on the rejection and what that has deprived me of. OR I can focus and embrace those around me and the love they have for me. I can focus my time, my thoughts, and my love on those who really do love and care about me. Those who come running when I've had a minor accident to make sure I'm okay. Those who, like my husband last night, know me and know that I am sad when one of my favorite bowls break. Something minor but an action which speaks to another person truly noticing you and paying attention to the minor things that matter to you.
Those who have rejected me in the past may never even know or notice that they hurt me. They may never apologize or see their treatment as wrong. Some may justify it. Some may ignore it. Some may even celebrate it. But, you know what, for now that is okay. From now that no longer matters. From now on I am going to celebrate those that do love me, and that is a far better thing.
What will you choose to focus on today?
This is where meals are made, conversations are had, and little kid ouchies find ice.
This is where the fight between "treat yo'self" and eat healthy battle. This is where I work out at least once a day while waiting on the microwave to ding, the coffee to brew, or food to cook.
This is where toys are piled up waiting on hot glue repairs. This is also where I hide to eat chocolate so that I don't have to share.
It's in the kitchen that families find sustenance and conversation.
My kitchen is also the frequent location of minor accidents for me. Last week it was the scene of me slicing my finger while making dinner, and then sitting in wait for 1 1/2 hours while I hoped that pressure would make the bleeding stop. And last night it was where I, distractedly, pulled a stack of bowls down upon myself, breaking one of my favorite bowls.
Minor occasional accidents truly aren't anything out of the normal. I'm sure that I'm not the only cook experiencing them once and a while. However, it was last night that I realized that every time I have had one of these minor accidents my family comes running to check on me. Sometimes we laugh about what happened. Sometimes they help me to get bandaids and clean up the mess. But every time they are showing me that they love me and care about me.
To some this is probably a minor moment that would be easily passed over but last night that minor moment froze in time for me. Last night, this kitchen was were I came to the realization that it is time to let go of what I don't have, may never have, and embrace with celebration that which I do have.
I have spent my entire life feeling the pain of rejection in many relationships, facets, and forms. I have spent many long sleepless nights wondering why certain people didn't like me. Why particular family members harangue upon their hatred and disdain of me for seemingly no reason. Why friends and classmates refused to be kind towards me, belittle me, insult me, or cut off our friendships with seemingly no reason. Why social awkwardness and obliviousness to social cues is celebrated in TV and movies but not in reality. Why, why, why. All surrounded with the accompaniment of self loathing and hurt.
The truth is I may never know or understanding the why behind the plethora of rejections that I have been hurt from. Maybe I'm better for not knowing or understanding the why behind it. Maybe knowing the why would hurt more than the not knowing. Maybe there is no lesson of self improvement to be learned in these rejections. While it may still hurt, I have a choice now. Now that I know and am aware of more, I have a choice in how I want to move forwards in my life.
I can choose to either focus on the rejection and what that has deprived me of. OR I can focus and embrace those around me and the love they have for me. I can focus my time, my thoughts, and my love on those who really do love and care about me. Those who come running when I've had a minor accident to make sure I'm okay. Those who, like my husband last night, know me and know that I am sad when one of my favorite bowls break. Something minor but an action which speaks to another person truly noticing you and paying attention to the minor things that matter to you.
Those who have rejected me in the past may never even know or notice that they hurt me. They may never apologize or see their treatment as wrong. Some may justify it. Some may ignore it. Some may even celebrate it. But, you know what, for now that is okay. From now that no longer matters. From now on I am going to celebrate those that do love me, and that is a far better thing.
What will you choose to focus on today?
Monday, January 22, 2018
2017, December, and Depression
The past year, but especially the last month and a half, I have found myself in a place of deep introspection, reflection, self realization, growth, and even depression. For the most part 2017 was a good year for my little family. We are, and have been, taking steps to grow and move forwards. While not without speed bumps or hiccups, forward movement is still forward movement.
Many of the highlights of last year have been, and were, easy to share. That's the best part of highlights is in the sharing. However, I also experienced some very low parts and times where I was forced to confront things, feelings, and ideas that I have tried very hard for many years to avoid.
The saying "I'm not where I once was, but I'm not where I want to be" holds very true for my life, especially right now. It is very, very seldom that I willing choose to open up and share, mostly because people tend to feel sorry for me, and pity is not something that I ever desire to receive. However, I am hopeful that opening up to share the gritty messy parts will encourage others to press forwards, even in bad times.
Last year it became necessary to confront and deal with many false ideas, problems, and unhealthy relationships that were in my life, many since childhood. I was forced to come to the painful realization that a certain family relationship in my life was extremely unhealthy and abusive; and that many of the relationships intertwined within it were also unhealthy as a by product. This realization broke my heart and forced me to come to the truth that said family relationship will likely never be what I hope and prayed that it would become. I have held on for 30+ years to the hope that change will happen, or that the relationship will improve.
Sadly, I was forced to confront the truth that the unhealthiness of it was only revealing the parameters in which that relationship would exist in. Parameters that I had no say in, control over, and that did not take my feelings, or personhood into account. In those unhealthy moments the other party was showing who they were in the relationship, exactly what value they placed on me and the relationship as a whole, as well as their goals and desire for what the relationship and those affected by it would be. While these instances were nothing out of the ordinary, nor were they anything worse than they always have been in the past; I was forced to realize the truth of how toxic and abusive it was.
I found myself in a place of mourning for what might have been, what I hoped for, and the potential that was lost in that. And mourn I did, a mourning that left me in depression, self-doubt, questioning, and loss. While there has been no loss of life, I mourn for the loss of possibility of what this could have been, my hope for the relationship and the affect this has had on my extended family, my daughters and husband. I found myself in a tailspin of emotions, questions, self-doubt, and depression.
The toxicity and abuses that I was faced with forced me to confront many things which I have long known to be true about the extent that this relationship and those intertwined with it are unhealthy. Problems, status quo, thoughts, and realizations that I have tried for many, many years to avoid or to change. I tried for so long to avoid admitting the truth of how toxic it was in the hope that it would change. I finally came to a place where I had no choice but to realize that I cannot make this relationship heal, change, or evolve into a healthy relationship. I was forced to realize that the only solution, for this time, is to draw boundaries to protect myself, my husband, and my daughters from the abuses and toxicity.
I have learned a lot in this time, both about myself, and about toxic relationships. In the admission of how unhealthy this family relationship is came the realization of the truth of it all. These realizations and the boundaries that have come with them have caused me to learn more about myself and who I am. The verbal and emotional abuse I have been faced with and subjected to in this relationship and the removal of that from my life have caused me to realize that the abuse has shaped how I see myself, in a detrimental way that should never have happened. I have come to take ownership, and continue to take ownership, of who I allow to speak into my life and how I allow them to do so because of this.
Once I began to remove the toxic poisons of the abuses and insults of this relationship, and others from my past, from my thoughts and my heart I began to grow. I am coming into the realization that in this moment and time I have the opportunity to get to know myself and grow into who I truly am. Free from the insults, belittling, blaming, abuses, and bullying I have this amazing fresh start to create in myself the person that I am, the person that in the past I have not been allowed to be or become.
I am still in the process of growing through this pain, and find myself slowly emerging from it all into something and someone new. I am learning who I am, who I have been all along, and finding new freedom to be me. This is still a process, some days the pain hits me again and I mourn, but each day is the first day of the rest of my life and I am choosing to be me.
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