This is where meals are made, conversations are had, and little kid ouchies find ice.
This is where the fight between "treat yo'self" and eat healthy battle. This is where I work out at least once a day while waiting on the microwave to ding, the coffee to brew, or food to cook.
This is where toys are piled up waiting on hot glue repairs. This is also where I hide to eat chocolate so that I don't have to share.
It's in the kitchen that families find sustenance and conversation.
My kitchen is also the frequent location of minor accidents for me. Last week it was the scene of me slicing my finger while making dinner, and then sitting in wait for 1 1/2 hours while I hoped that pressure would make the bleeding stop. And last night it was where I, distractedly, pulled a stack of bowls down upon myself, breaking one of my favorite bowls.
Minor occasional accidents truly aren't anything out of the normal. I'm sure that I'm not the only cook experiencing them once and a while. However, it was last night that I realized that every time I have had one of these minor accidents my family comes running to check on me. Sometimes we laugh about what happened. Sometimes they help me to get bandaids and clean up the mess. But every time they are showing me that they love me and care about me.
To some this is probably a minor moment that would be easily passed over but last night that minor moment froze in time for me. Last night, this kitchen was were I came to the realization that it is time to let go of what I don't have, may never have, and embrace with celebration that which I do have.
I have spent my entire life feeling the pain of rejection in many relationships, facets, and forms. I have spent many long sleepless nights wondering why certain people didn't like me. Why particular family members harangue upon their hatred and disdain of me for seemingly no reason. Why friends and classmates refused to be kind towards me, belittle me, insult me, or cut off our friendships with seemingly no reason. Why social awkwardness and obliviousness to social cues is celebrated in TV and movies but not in reality. Why, why, why. All surrounded with the accompaniment of self loathing and hurt.
The truth is I may never know or understanding the why behind the plethora of rejections that I have been hurt from. Maybe I'm better for not knowing or understanding the why behind it. Maybe knowing the why would hurt more than the not knowing. Maybe there is no lesson of self improvement to be learned in these rejections. While it may still hurt, I have a choice now. Now that I know and am aware of more, I have a choice in how I want to move forwards in my life.
I can choose to either focus on the rejection and what that has deprived me of. OR I can focus and embrace those around me and the love they have for me. I can focus my time, my thoughts, and my love on those who really do love and care about me. Those who come running when I've had a minor accident to make sure I'm okay. Those who, like my husband last night, know me and know that I am sad when one of my favorite bowls break. Something minor but an action which speaks to another person truly noticing you and paying attention to the minor things that matter to you.
Those who have rejected me in the past may never even know or notice that they hurt me. They may never apologize or see their treatment as wrong. Some may justify it. Some may ignore it. Some may even celebrate it. But, you know what, for now that is okay. From now that no longer matters. From now on I am going to celebrate those that do love me, and that is a far better thing.
What will you choose to focus on today?
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