Most of the time writing for me is a form of processing what is on my mind and my heart. It's a way of pouring out ideas and thoughts, then trying to make sense of them. Lately, I have been finding it difficult to write. Self doubt seems to creep in causing me to wonder if I have anything worth saying, if my voice or thoughts matter; or if anyone even cares what I have to say. As I was processing through these self doubts I came to the realization that some of them, well, most of them actually, come from really bad friendships and really bad relationships with people.
Sadly, most of my experience with friendships has not been the best. I have had far more bad friends than good friends. These bad friendships not only outweigh the good ones in number but they have served to create in me anxiety about friendships as a whole. I have had far too many people call themselves my friend only to insult, attack, put down, and tear down, both my self image, and self worth. In the process of trying to understand why I question my own voice I have come to the realization that these bad friends have caused me to have a great deal of anxiety about friendships as a whole. Even with good friends I find myself wondering when or if they are going to attack me and tear me down. This makes it extremely difficult to have, create, or maintain any form of friendship at all.
While I thought that the anxiety was isolated to just areas of friend relationships I can no longer ignore it seeping over into the rest of my life and self identity. I'm still processing through this all, but given the high number of bad friendships that I have had I very much doubt that I am the only one that has experienced this. Ecclesiastes 1:9 tells us that there is nothing new under the sun, I think that that includes bad friendships, as well as cruel and mean people.
It has been said that hurt people hurt people. All it takes is one hurt person to start a chain reaction of hurt, rippling out, and damaging many in its wake. I find the concept of this easy to see; however, the hurt of this is difficult to live in. I'm sad for those who hurt me, knowing that they will never know true friendship. Mostly, I hurt with those that they hurt, knowing that I am not the only one that they have tried to tear apart.
Life is difficult, but bad friendships make it even more so.
In the processing of all this I am working through letting go of the hurt, and also letting go of the toxic filters that were thrown upon me.
I am more than what they said, deep inside I know that, and I hear the Holy Spirit whispering that. Now begins the process of allowing that whisper to transform me, transform the way I see, think, and feel about myself.
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