Kitchen, Broken Bowls, Love, and Rejection

This is my kitchen. It's not very big, and it's hardly ever perfectly or clean.

This is where meals are made, conversations are had, and little kid ouchies find ice.

This is where the fight between "treat yo'self" and eat healthy battle. This is where I work out at least once a day while waiting on the microwave to ding, the coffee to brew, or food to cook.

This is where toys are piled up waiting on hot glue repairs. This is also where I hide to eat chocolate so that I don't have to share.

It's in the kitchen that families find sustenance and conversation.

My kitchen is also the frequent location of minor accidents for me. Last week it was the scene of me slicing my finger while making dinner, and  then sitting in wait for 1 1/2 hours while I hoped that pressure would make the bleeding stop. And last night it was where I, distractedly, pulled a stack of bowls down upon myself, breaking one of my favorite bowls.

Minor occasional accidents truly aren't anything out of the normal. I'm sure that I'm not the only cook experiencing them once and a while. However, it was last night that I realized that every time I have had one of these minor accidents my family comes running to check on me. Sometimes we laugh about what happened. Sometimes they help me to get bandaids and clean up the mess. But every time they are showing me that they love me and care about me.

To some this is probably a minor moment that would be easily passed over but last night that minor moment froze in time for me.  Last night, this kitchen was were I came to the realization that it is time to let go of what I don't have, may never have, and embrace with celebration that which I do have.

I have spent my entire life feeling the pain of rejection in many relationships, facets, and forms. I have spent many long sleepless nights wondering why certain people didn't like me. Why particular family members harangue upon their hatred and disdain of me for seemingly no reason. Why friends and classmates refused to be kind towards me, belittle me, insult me, or cut off our friendships with seemingly no reason. Why social awkwardness and obliviousness to social cues is celebrated in TV and movies but not in reality. Why, why, why. All surrounded with the accompaniment of self loathing and hurt.

The truth is I may never know or understanding the why behind the plethora of rejections that I have been hurt from. Maybe I'm better for not knowing or understanding the why behind it. Maybe knowing the why would hurt more than the not knowing. Maybe there is no lesson of self improvement to be learned in these rejections. While it may still hurt, I have a choice now. Now that I know and am aware of more, I have a choice in how I want to move forwards in my life.

I can choose to either focus on the rejection and what that has deprived me of. OR I can focus and embrace those around me and the love they have for me. I can focus my time, my thoughts, and my love on those who really do love and care about me. Those who come running when I've had a minor accident to make sure I'm okay. Those who, like my husband last night, know me and know that I am sad when one of my favorite bowls break. Something minor but an action which speaks to another person truly noticing you and paying attention to the minor things that matter to you.

Those who have rejected me in the past may never even know or notice that they hurt me. They may never apologize or see their treatment as wrong. Some may justify it. Some may ignore it. Some may even celebrate it. But, you know what, for now that is okay. From now that no longer matters. From now on I am going to celebrate those that do love me, and that is a far better thing.

What will you choose to focus on today?

2017, December, and Depression

The past year, but especially the last month and a half, I have found myself in a place of deep introspection, reflection, self realization, growth, and even depression. For the most part 2017 was a good year for my little family. We are, and have been, taking steps to grow and move forwards. While not without speed bumps or hiccups, forward movement is still forward movement.

Many of the highlights of last year have been, and were, easy to share. That's the best part of highlights is in the sharing. However, I also experienced some very low parts and times where I was forced to confront things, feelings, and ideas that I have tried very hard for many years to avoid.

The saying "I'm not where I once was, but I'm not where I want to be" holds very true for my life, especially right now. It is very, very seldom that I willing choose to open up and share, mostly because people tend to feel sorry for me, and pity is not something that I ever desire to receive. However, I am hopeful that opening up to share the gritty messy parts will encourage others to press forwards, even in bad times.

Last year it became necessary to confront and deal with many false ideas, problems, and unhealthy relationships that were in my life, many since childhood. I was forced to come to the painful realization that a certain family relationship in my life was extremely unhealthy and abusive; and that many of the relationships intertwined within it were also unhealthy as a by product. This realization broke my heart and forced me to come to the truth that said family relationship will likely never be what I hope and prayed that it would become. I have held on for 30+ years to the hope that change will happen, or that the relationship will improve.

Sadly, I was forced to confront the truth that the unhealthiness of it was only revealing the parameters in which that relationship would exist in. Parameters that I had no say in, control over, and that did not take my feelings, or personhood into account. In those unhealthy moments the other party was showing who they were in the relationship, exactly what value they placed on me and the relationship as a whole, as well as their goals and desire for what the relationship and those affected by it would be. While these instances were nothing out of the ordinary, nor were they anything worse than they always have been in the past; I was forced to realize the truth of how toxic and abusive it was.

I found myself in a place of mourning for what might have been, what I hoped for, and the potential that was lost in that. And mourn I did, a mourning that left me in depression, self-doubt, questioning, and loss. While there has been no loss of life, I mourn for the loss of possibility of what this could have been, my hope for the relationship and the affect this has had on my extended family, my daughters and husband. I found myself in a tailspin of emotions, questions, self-doubt, and depression.

The toxicity and abuses that I was faced with forced me to confront many things which I have long known to be true about the extent that this relationship and those intertwined with it are unhealthy. Problems, status quo, thoughts, and realizations that I have tried for many, many years to avoid or to change. I tried for so long to avoid admitting the truth of how toxic it was in the hope that it would change. I finally came to a place where I had no choice but to realize that I cannot make this relationship heal, change, or evolve into a healthy relationship. I was forced to realize that the only solution, for this time, is to draw boundaries to protect myself, my husband, and my daughters from the abuses and toxicity.

I have learned a lot in this time, both about myself, and about toxic relationships. In the admission of how unhealthy this family relationship is came the realization of the truth of it all. These realizations and the boundaries that have come with them have caused me to learn more about myself and who I am. The verbal and emotional abuse I have been faced with and subjected to in this relationship and the removal of that from my life have caused me to realize that the abuse has shaped how I see myself, in a detrimental way that should never have happened. I have come to take ownership, and continue to take ownership, of who I allow to speak into my life and how I allow them to do so because of this.

Once I began to remove the toxic poisons of the abuses and insults of this relationship, and others from my past, from my thoughts and my heart I began to grow. I am coming into the realization that in this moment and time I have the opportunity to get to know myself and grow into who I truly am. Free from the insults, belittling, blaming, abuses, and bullying I have this amazing fresh start to create in myself the person that I am, the person that in the past I have not been allowed to be or become.

I am still in the process of growing through this pain, and find myself slowly emerging from it all into something and someone new. I am learning who I am, who I have been all along, and finding new freedom to be me. This is still a process, some days the pain hits me again and I mourn, but each day is the first day of the rest of my life and I am choosing to be me.

5 Minute Magnet Bookmark

This evening I decided to take a craft break while the girls were finishing up their math work. I have found that when I do something crafty while they are doing school work they tend to work better for some reason. Maybe it's a feeling of solidarity in working, I don't know. But whatever the reason I will take it.

Magnetic bookmarks are a big hit in our house. They are so popular with my girls that they tend to get abducted and never reappear again. I imagine all of my bookmarks are somewhere in our bin of Barbies being used to style Barbies' hair or some other such imaginative idea.

I had an idea in mind for how to create my own magnetic bookmarks but didn't find anything on Pinterest that matched what I was looking to do. Gasp!

I decided to make it up as I went, and I actually surprised myself with how well it turned out.

Here are the directions in case you would like to make one for yourself!

What you will need:

- Washi Tape

- Scissors

- Magnet from any sort of sales insert or business advert

I used a magnet that came from a handout that they were doing at Target during Christmas

Cut the magnet in half which ever direction suits you. I wanted a fatter magnet so that it would be easier for me to grab with my carpel tunnel. I could probably have made 2 bookmarks out of this magnet otherwise.

My gold washi tape that I picked up in the Target Dollar Section.

Cover the magnet with the washi tape leaving a gap to fold at later and an overlap along all 4 of  the edges.

Now add as many strips of washi tape as needed to cover the surface leaving an overhang on the edges. Be sure to over lap the first strip to prevent gaps or holes.

Three strips of washi tape covered the first side of the bookmark.

Flip the whole thing over carefully. Now you can see the nice space along the middle to fold the whole thing later, and the extra overhang on the edges.

     

Cover this side with washi tape the same way as the first side.

Using your fingernail press along the edges to stick them all together nicely.

Trim all of the edges where you left the overhang before, leaving a small amount of edging all around to "seal" your bookmark.

After I finished I decided that mine needed a bit more sparkle so I added some glitter washi tape to the middle.

For my first time making this project and doing everything "freehand" I think it turned out pretty well. Next time I make one I think I'll cut the glitter washi tape into a point or some pretty design to make it look a bit more "finished", but over all I'm pleased with my 5 minute craft project.