What I am Learning About Missions

Last year I had the privilege of taking part in a mission trip to Belize with my church. It has been only 4 months since we returned home and yet it feels much more distant.

As I continue to process my time in Belize and attempt to grow from the lessons I learned I find myself learning more and more about missions. What it is, what it should look like, what it does look like, and most importantly, what is the point.

I entered the trip last year with some preconceived notions and ideas, as I think most of us do with any new life experience. Most importantly, I started with the knowledge that this trip would change me and expand my world view.

Sadly, some of the ideas that I started with I found to be rooted in my own pride and self over estimation. Recognizing these faults isn't a bad thing, provided I grow from them. I also, doubt that I am alone in these falsities.

Now, I don't regret going and am beyond grateful for the opportunity, however; it is up to me to grow from it.

As I process and learn more about missions I found 2 very helpful articles, the first was "The Dangers of Having a 'Savior Complex' During Your Mission Trip" and "10 Steps for Doing Short Term Missions Trips Well".

I am the type of person that enjoys helping others and solving problems, but I am learning that on the missions field it is not my job or place to even attempt to 'save the day'. My time and attention would be better served to focus on loving people with God's love than to focus on problems, which they already know that they have, and trying to solve everything.

During our time in Belize the majority of our days were spent serving at a local orphanage and helping there. When hearing the word orphanage it's so easy to, like I did, get caught in the mental trap of wanting to love and care for the children. I quickly realized that doing that would cause more harm than good. At first that may not make sense, so let me explain. Children in orphanages have only a life experience of temporary, fleeting relationships. If I were to go in with the focus of loving on them, (which is not bad, please don't misunderstand me), I would create relationships with them only to abandon them within a matter of days. That really isn't something I wanted to do. I love the children there, each and everyone of them, but I do not want my time with them to hurt them in any way.

For the children there I was only another person passing through, a momentary figure in their lives. It was not my place to try and insinuate myself in any more than that. My job there was to make their lives easier by helping those who are there permanently. My job and the true purpose of our trip, whether I realized it to begin with or not, was to make the lives of the permanent ministers there easier by doing whatever projects were needed. Is that glamorous? No. It is needed and right though.

I may not have personally connected with any individual child during my trip, but honestly I am okay with that. As long as the few moments I spent there helped the ministers there in some way I have fulfilled my purpose in going. And I will continue to pray for all of the people that I meet there.

Belize now holds a special place in my heart, and not in the way I originally assumed that it would. That is an amazingly wonderful thing.

I'm not perfect

There are day that I wish I had it all together or had already "arrived" but the truth is that I am very much still a work in progress.

There are moments of great realization of how far I have come but they often only happen when I chance to reflect on the past. Due to the pain of certain memories I try to avoid this at times, regardless of the revelation of self growth that comes with it.

Then there are other times, times when I am around people that have known me practically my whole life, those are the times that I realize that the person that I am working on becoming isn't shining out of me the way that I want. I am working hard to become the person I know that God has called me to be, but those who have known me for years often just don't see it.

I see the growth in myself, I also see the work I put into myself growing and changing. Often it seems like others only see the person I was 5, 10, and even 15 years ago. I am not the same person I was then. I am not the person I was before accepting Christ as my Savior. However, no matter what I say there are no words that will make them know this. That is a hard idea to swallow. I can see the change in me, but I also constantly experience the difference in my own thinking, something that they will never be able to see.

I have come to realize that at some point I have to choose to redefine my relationship with certain people in my life.

There are family members that I will always long to have a closer relationship with, but that is not a mutual desire. Trying to force or encourage a relationship with them will not alter the fact that they have chosen to shut me out. I'm sure they have their own reasons for their choice, but it's on me to respect them and not try to force them to talk to me. I can still love them, but at their choosing that means loving them from a distance and watching their lives much like a distant acquaintance.

There are other family members that I love dearly but I have to accept that, at this time, they will only see me as I was some many years ago and not as the person I am trying to be today. The toughest part of this acceptance is the constant judgement and condemnation they pass on me, and bitter treatment of me when I attempt to spend time with them. I recognize that part of this bitterness is the result of my own past choices and mistreatment of them, something I deeply regret. While, I do not believe God so vindictive as to use their hurt and mistreatment of me as punishment for my past poor choices and sin, I do recognize that they still bear the hurt of it. There is nothing that I can do at this point to help them heal other than giving them grace, love, and time.

Now it is up to me to define what relationships I allow in my life and the lives of my children and how they are to look. As a mother it is my responsibility to ensure that my children are sheltered from the bitterness of my relationships with others. This is a tricky road to walk, one in which there are no books, manuals, or explicit instructions. Luckily, I do not walk this road alone, the Holy Spirit is my constant guide and companion. I am learning to navigate this rocky path by listening to the promptings and directions of the Holy Spirit moment by moment, direction by direction.

This may mean keeping my mouth shut when everything rises up in me to speak against what is being said. It may also mean saying what needs to be said to get to the heart of an issue. I never know. That's okay. His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Thanks be to God that He is forever consistent, unchanging, unwavering, steady, stable, and always loving. Despite the rocks in my relationships with those around me, and despite their inability to see the person I am today, I know that God sees me and that is ALL that matters.